by RevMark

A dear friend of mine passed away today. Marty M. He was in his fifties. Had a few small physical issues, but not this. Not something that would cause him to be rushed to the hospital into CCU. It brings things a little closer to home than I would like. No, I don’t think I am some immortal teenager, but it does bring that period at the end of the sentence a little closer.

You know, I always wondered about my dad. He is 70+ years old. How he handled things. There was a period of about 6 to 10 years ago that lasted for several years, when it seemed that everybody close to him, us, family members, friends, were getting very ill or dieing. They were brothers, sisters, and friends to him. They were aunts, uncles, and friends to me. Back then a terrible sadness would come over me. I would cry for days. Nobody knew. But I would. Today, that sadness is coming over me again. Not because I am sad that a good friend is gone. But, knowing that I might be next or my time is getting shorter.

Many would call this sadness, depression. I would agree. But there is no drug. No therapy to cure. I don’t want to be “cured”. It is a place of realization. It is a place where I can get a perspective of my life that I would not otherwise have. I am 44 years old. I was born in 1963. I have not seen it all. In fact I have seen nothing. I went through he first 34 years of my life with blinders on. Not see the truth of the saving grace of the Lord. I know that Marty is with the lord. I know that I will some day I will be as well. But, right here. Right now. I don’t have my friend. No Scripture. No Bible. Nobody holding my hand and telling me how sorry you are for my loss can help fill this gaping whole that I have in my chest, in my life.

So I am looking down at the floor, watching as my entrails spill out. Wondering what am I going to be doing when, if, I make it to 55 or 60. Someone I once knew, reminds me of a dilemma, it is a dilemma in which we both share. He hasn’t done everything that he wants to do yet. These things are on his list of stuff to do. At least he has started. He told us, many years ago, to write down the things that we want to do, have, or accomplish in our lives. I can say without an iota of a doubt that not one thing on that list has come to pass. There is one thing that is close, as a concept, but the details are all wrong. Does it count? I don’t think so. There are many items on my list. But every time I get ready to attempt to scratch one of those items off the list. Something comes up or any myriad of things stop it.

I am so glad that I am saved. I am so glad that I know where I am going when it’s my time to leave. I just want to see a few of those items with a big sharpie line through it.

If all of this makes me sound selfish, then so be it. If you are looking for a conclusion to this post or you eagerly await my incredible revelation of how I have overcome all this? Well, you’ll have to wait a little longer because I haven’t. I am not sure I ever will.

Previous post:

Next post: